Last night I shared my lane with a very unwelcome lane mate. It wasn’t actually one of my training partners; it wasn’t even really in the pool. I didn’t have any issues in the warm up or on the kick set. But it started creeping in during the technique set (9x50s). By the time we hit the main set, I was battling full on with this monster.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had it out with all out with this demon. Surprisingly it never reared its head at Tahoe. After Tahoe I took a really solid look at how far I had come and really laid everything down at the end of the season. No lack of confidence there! In camp, I had glimpses of the demon (during the half marathon and in the ocean) but I was able to overcome it. It’s been so long, I forgot how hard a fight it is when this rears its head for real.
One of the hardest things for me is getting off my butt to do something I am likely to fail at. I look at my schedule and I see something scary like 8:30 minute miles (even through it’s a 1 minute effort) and I spend all this time dreading the workout. When I am with others, it’s easier to keep this in check. When I’m by myself, it can be a battle to even start the workout and then get all the way through it. Sometimes it happens during the middle of an activity. When it does everything says … time to quit. These thoughts used to cripple me for days.
During camp, Matt pulled me aside and reminded me that my body is stronger than my mind thinks it is. That I can push through when everything inside me is saying “QUIT. YOU WOULD FEEL SO MUCH BETTER IF YOU WALKED. TAKE IT EASY FOR 5 MINUTES. YOU DON’T HAVE TO RUN EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. INFACT, LOOK AT THAT SIGN – THAT’S A GOOD PLACE TO WORK OUT A CRAMP. WHILE YOU ARE THERE – TAKE A REST. JUST QUIT.”
Yesterday afternoon, I spent some time looking at my 2014 race schedule. Only a few months till race season … 13 weeks till my first half of the year and 21 till my next attempt at the full. Yikes! I am working on some weight goals and some speed improvements in the pool and on the run right now. Lots to do and 21 weeks seems like it is right around the corner.
In the pool yesterday I struggled on the technique set. I was bummed that I couldn’t lead the strongly and that I kept getting dropped on the fast 50s. I started stewing. I started thinking about how unprepared I feel for the AC ocean-y (bay side) swim. That I was going to fail at this distance again. Just hearing the main set shut me down. “THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN’T LEAD THE LANE. YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO HANG IN THE BACK. YOUR EAR HURTS. YOU’RE TIRED. JUST QUIT”. My real lane-mates noticed something was going on. Jack noticed something was going on. I almost got sucked under by the monster – but I fought back. I took my place second in the line and hung in for the first set. Then I hung (slower) in for the remaining set. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t my best, but I made it. I won. The monster didn’t – I did.
Later it sounded so silly. I got in my head because I am 21 weeks out from a race. That’s right – 21 weeks – 5 months. I am stronger, mentally and physically, than I was last year. My body really CAN do more than my mind thinks it’s capable of. I am an athlete. Negative-self talk and crappy self-confidence haven’t gotten me where I am today. Hard work and belief in my coaches, my team and myself have.
Take that demon. There’s no room for you here. Next time, I’ll kick you out of my head even sooner.
A Wanderlust Blog 